you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
