The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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