so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
