oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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