i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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