he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
