he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
