My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
