I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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