Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
