I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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