the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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