that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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