i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize