Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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