I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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