How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
