mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
