Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
