I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
