i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
