So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
