Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
you made out with another girl for some wings
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