we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
