I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
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So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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