She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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