I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
