This dress was meant to end up on your floor
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
