and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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