There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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