Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
