her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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