the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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