End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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