I just made out with a guy for $7.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
