i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
