positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize