So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
