How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
