My hand turned me down
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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