Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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