So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
