oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Send help, water and tortillas.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
