He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
