a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Randomize
