We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
