So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
