Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
