Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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