You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
