I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
