I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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