I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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