Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
