my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
do nipples grow back?
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