i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
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Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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