The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
