My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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